A New Civility

I think it’s time we started a New Civility.

Rudeness and incivility have been the standard for politics for the last few decades. Who can forget the George H. W. Bush ad that used Willy Horton to terrify the middle class? He wasn’t the first candidate who used scare tactics, of course, but he was one of the most effective. And it got him elected. Since then, politics has become more and more discourteous.

I suspect this lack of civility began when I was in high school. John F. Kennedy was the first president to go without a hat, and after that wedge things just went downhill from there. No longer were jeans considered cowboy gear. People began to wear them everywhere. High schools did away with dress codes when courts ruled that costumes were a part of freedom of expression - freedom of speech.

When I began teaching in the late 1960’s, boys were required to wear belts and have their hair cut at least an inch from their eyebrows and collars. They could not wear jeans because the rivets at the pockets scratched the largely wooden furniture then. Girls could not wear slacks, but I’m not sure why. And no one could wear boots. Perhaps their feet got too hot. Who knows?

When I started teaching, teachers were prohibited from having facial hair, and were required to wear ties. I don’t know whether it helped or not, but I had few discipline problems.

When we flew, which was both expensive and infrequent, we dressed up with suits and ties for males and nice dresses for females.

All that is past. I don’t mourn it, although I still believe that dress codes have a place, and the way you dress somewhat shows the degree of respect and esteem you give to an event or person.

On the other hand I don’t dress up much. I just don’t own the clothes any more. I wore a tie twice this year, once was to a wedding. I went to only one funeral, thank goodness. I try to be neat and clean for church, but I wear pretty crummy clothes to the dog park because I know that various dogs are going to jump on me.

The way we dress is frequently an outward and visible sign of inward attitudes and beliefs, it seems to me. But maybe not. On the political front, clothing didn’t stop the then President of the Senate Dick Cheney from telling a senator to perform an impossible sexual act, or more recently from another congressman yelling, “Liar!” to President Obama during a speech to the Congress. Bad form both. Both in suits and ties.

Recently on facebook, several friends have said they started giving a thumbs up and a smile to people they felt like flipping the bird to. I don’t know whether this will keep things civil because the recipient is likely to become more enraged. But it’s worth a try.

This call for civility is personal, of course. I’m tired of clerks talking over my head with each other or on the cell while they’re waiting on me. Last month when the totally expressionless clerk told me I couldn’t return something because it wasn’t store policy. She didn’t smile or look at me. She didn’t say she was sorry. She was a robot, and perhaps that’s because the retailer treats its employees in that manner, but I don’t think so. Other employees are far more pleasant.

Yesterday at Dick’s Sporting Goods (I know, not the place you think about seeing me. I can be ironic about myself without being passive aggressive, of course) we stood in line for a very long time and they finally opened up a second register. When they called for the next person in line - us - the man behind us made a scene. “Don’t you want to take my money?” he growled. The clerk, who was not a flatliner, explained that he wanted to wait on everyone - in turn. I could have given the impatient customer a thumbs up and a smile, but I'm not sure it would have helped.

I’m also tired of people who think being passive aggressive is a substitute for humor. I was introduced to a man in the recent past whose first complete sentence to me was the question, “What does it feel like to be a failed writer?” I was taken aback and shocked because someone has fed him misinformation about me and he had the chutzpah to ask. My gracious reply was that I don’t know how it feels.

(My first novel didn’t become a best seller by any means. In fact at its best it ranked about 150,000th on Amazon. But it sold close to a thousand copies, which is pretty normal for a first novel, and I was pleased. After two years it went out of print. So be it.)

The failed writer query, however, ranks right up there with one I saw on KDKA-TV out of Pittsburgh several years ago. A completely insensitive and thoughtless reporter asked a woman whose three children all were burned to death in a house fire how she felt. What a stupid question! If the woman were lucky, she was totally numb, not functioning. After the death of a child, God gives that gift to bereaved parents. It doesn’t last long enough.

Every movement starts with one person, so my resolution for next year is to be civil to everyone. I invite you to join me.

And feel free to comment below.