Mine Is Bigger

Perhaps I travel in the wrong circles, when I travel at all. In my experience, people talk about ideas, about politics, about places we’ve been or plan to go, about how to help others, about the books we are reading or have read, about spirituality, about the environment. (And of course we gossip occasionally, I can’t deny that. In fact, let me tell you about the man down the street. . .)

Lately, as I wander into the public thoroughfares, however, I find myself distracted by the self-absorption of people around me. When did Americans stop dealing with ideas and focus only on themselves? Perhaps we never did. In any event, I’m tired of having to listen to guys, who apparently feel they have wee little penises, playing Mine Is Bigger.

These people come in all shapes, sizes, ages – and genders – but mostly they work to annoy others (by others, I mean Me). They draw attention to themselves in a variety of obnoxious ways. For example, I recently overheard two couples loudly playing Mine Is Bigger at a table next to us in a lounge.

Man one, whom I’ll name George for fun: “Well, of course, we gave our sons the house and rent it from them now. It gives them extra income. And we can well afford it.”

Man two, whom I named Gregory for no apparent reason. “Yes. Well. We gave our children our house AND the vacation cottage.” Chopped and channeled wife nods vigorously. “We rent the house from them, but they have twice as much income because the cottage is so popular with our friends.”

George: “How nice. Even as we age, we don’t plan to move because I can just go down to the dock and jump in my kayak and take off any time I want.”

Simon: Silent, but possibly thinking, “Damn. IS yours bigger?”

Perhaps his is bigger, perhaps it isn’t. I never looked. And I don’t care. But people have to have some substance in their lives that goes beyond money, houses, and dick size. Even a discussion of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ would be a welcome respite. A brief discussion, anyway.

Example two: At the drug store parking lot yesterday I waited in the car while my wife went in. A guy (BOOM) drove in with the (BOOM) volume on his music (BOOM) so loud the fenders were (BOOM MINE) vibrating, and I got an (BOOM MINE) instant headache. He parked (BOOM MINE) the car, and lest (BOOM MINE) he miss even a downbeat (BOOM MINE), left the thrumming (BOOM MINE, BOOM MINE, BOOM MINE) on while he walked around (BOOM MINE) to the passenger door and (BOOM MINE) took a toddler from the (BOOM MINE IS) front seat – no car seat! – and (BOOM MINE IS) strode to the ATM. The little boy must (BOOM MINE IS BIGGER) have hearing loss, just (BOOM MINE IS BIGGER) as his driver must, just (BOOM MINE IS BIGGER) as I did, briefly. My wife returned from the (BOOM MINE IS BIGGER) drugstore, and we pulled out (BOOM) into traffic (boom).

Driving next to us was another (BOOM NO) guy whose fenders also (BOOM NO MINE) vibrated from his music (BOOM NO MINE IS). As we drove down the (BOOM NO MINE IS BIGGER) four lane street toward (BOOM NO MINE IS BIGGER THAN) our home, he pulled up (BOOM NO MINE IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER GUY’S) beside us at every light (BOOM NO MINE IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER GUY’S). Finally, he turned into (BOOM) a fast food joint, (boom) and our hearing gradually returned.

[I must hasten to point out that I like most kinds of music. Generally I listen to opera or classical or jazz, but I also like rock, and my all-time favorite singer is Tom Waits. I have my car radio tuned to both rap in English and in Spanish, and I listen to that occasionally, too.]

Why am I so annoyed when other people play Mine Is Bigger? Is it that mine is smaller? Perhaps. Is it that I value my hearing? Absolutely. That I value public discourse about ideas, even profane or disgusting ones like the one in this blog? Yes. That the less people think, the less they examine the world, the less they consider and merely react, the more they want others to act in the same way? Of course.

Each time we fail to work at thinking, we endanger ourselves and our world because we lose the ability to think clearly. And today, more than ever, we need clarity of thought if we are to survive.